Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we're in this situation in the first place?
The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off.
At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He's not doing anything.
Gas is so expensive, today I saw Bill O'Reilly carpooling with Bill Maher.
There's a big movie out today. It's called "The Last Exorcism Part 2." How can it be called "The Last Exorcism Part 2"? By definition, a movie called "last anything" can't have a sequel. It's not possible. Unless — unless Hollywood is run by profit-hungry liars.
In the first "Last Exorcist," a young girl gets possessed by Satan. The priest performs an exorcism to try and cast him out. I guess in part two, the devil returns because he forgot his wallet or something.
Some people think I got this show because I made a deal with the devil. It's true, actually. Nine years ago, the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. But I broke the deal. Now I'm condemned to this place for all eternity.
If you're scheduling an exorcism, you need to make sure someone's actually possessed. If a young woman looks sickly and pale and vomits all the time, she may just be an actress.
Yesterday, Groupon fired the founder and CEO of the company. Yeah, he could tell something was up because today's deal was his parking space.
A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. Veterinarians plan to treat this as a serious problem, or as fat pets put it, "Did you say treat?"
Kim Kardashian said that couples should be together for at least six months before they decide to get married. And they should stay married for at least six days before they decide to get divorced.
A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists, which would be great news for pessimists if they believed in great news.