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Thursday Feb 28 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: “Yes, We Vati-can.”

We are now in the middle of Lent. The most common thing people are giving up for Lent this year? Watching NBC.

For the first time in history, NBC is fifth in the ratings. We are now behind the Spanish language channel Univision. As we call that here in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Ratings."

The ratings are so bad that today NBC called Manti Te'o to bring in some imaginary viewers.

Conan

Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's.

The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, "Among you is the future Pope." And then he said, "Now enter The Octagon." They're going to fight it out with holy relics.

We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes — or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure.

These budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back.

He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters.

In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He'll say, "Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You're not going to the Vatican."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k).

My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter — just like "The Bachelor."

Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot's license, but never got a driver's license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can't drive a car — just like Jesus before him.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft.

Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts.

Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, "Catch ya later."

The NFL is investigating reports that several teams have asked players about their sexual orientation before drafting them. They've been asking questions like, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and "Is she real?"

 
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