Friday Jul 31 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


President Obama, professor Gates and officer Crowley had their “beer summit,” and the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Joe Biden. The highlight of the evening was when officer Crowley told Biden, “You have the right to remain silent.”

President Obama served professor Gates and officer Crowley beer and pretzels. It’s the first time pretzels have been served at the White House since the time one attacked President Bush.

Last night’s meeting went so well that Gates and Crowley plan to meet again. Apparently, they’ll meet the next time Gates tries to get into his own house.

It’s been reported that Larry King has opened a Twitter account. So far, his tweets have been “My name’s Larry,” “I like pie,” and “Who moved the toilet?”

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama has invited me and Sarah Palin down to the White House for a beer.

President Obama had been very hard-working. We don’t know if he’s getting anything done, but he sure is hard-working.

He’s going to take a vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. They’ve rented a beach house. Nothing says vacation like two weeks on an island with your mother-in-law.

The mayor here had a great idea. He set up cameras at intersections to catch people doing bad things. But the cameras got stolen.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Staying At A Bad Resort

10. Concierge hands you keys and says, "Ah, Room 312 . . . Let me see if the coroner is finished"
9. Fire escapes are not clearly marked and often barricaded
8. You're staying in the "Idi Amin Suite"
7. Phone in your room has only three numbers
6. Only water view is the toilet overflowing
5. Happy hour is between 5 a.m. and 5:30 a.m.
4. They offer lessons in golf, tennis, and jihad .
3. From the beach, you see sun, birds, and the USS Harry Truman pointing its .50 caliber machine guns at you
2. Pay-per-view movies are all videos of you sleeping
1. Appearing all week in the main showroom — Regis
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s a huge air show in Oshkosh, Wis. Anyone who’s anyone was there . . . Joan Jett . . .

This year’s emcee was Capt. Sully Sullenberger, the pilot who hit the geese and then was forced to land in the Hudson. After that he did appearances on the “Today” show, on David Letterman . . . the geese made appearances on the Food Network . . .

They had the Airbus 380 there. You can fit up to 700 passengers . . . or all five Baldwin brothers.

A lot of the planes there were old . . .more than 50 years old. That sounds scary, but they’re not. Any plane that’s old actually has a lot of new parts. The planes are safe as long as the parts are replaced every couple of years. They’re like Cher.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night, Obama had the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the White house to talk . . . and more importantly, get stinking drunk together.

Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly upset because Obama put his foot in his mouth by saying the Cambridge Police acted stupidly . . . that’s normally his thing.

The world is still waiting on Michael Jacksons’s autopsy results. But they have been delayed indefinitely. Apparently, they’re still missing a nose.

They’re dragging it out like a reality show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48 percent. Or as George Bush calls it, “kickin ass.”

President Obama said that Congress probably won’t vote on his healthcare bill until October. It’s not like there’s some crazy flu epidemic out there . . .

Nancy Pelosi has accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the healthcare bill. Pelosi was so angry she started arranging her face into a scowl.

A man in Florida was arrested for attacking his roommate with a coconut, a porcelain bowl, and a wooden carving. The man was charged with assault and shoplifting from Pier 1.

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