Friday Feb 22 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s a good one: Don't join al-Qaida.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both.

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

Late Show with David Letterman

Excited about the Academy Awards? It will be a lot of people you've never met thanking people you've never heard of.

The Academy Awards is television's answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off.

The Academy Awards show is four hours long, and they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve.

Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He's going up against "Lincoln" for best big hat.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Oscars are on Sunday. So is the Daytona 500. It will be a great day for gay NASCAR fans.

The Oscars are a perfect representation of Hollywood Because Hollywood releases hundreds of movies a year, and three are good. The Oscars is 800 minutes long, and three are entertaining.

If you haven't seen "Life of Pi," you really must. And then tell me what it's about.

This is my theory about the Oscar. If you're in an action movie or comedy, you're not worthy. But if you put on Elizabethan trousers and act serious, that's it. You're a great actor.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, "Do you think that I could pull off bangs?"

That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch.

Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative “Let’s Move.” Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative "Let's Sit."

A 104-year-old woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birthdates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

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