Thursday Feb 21 2013
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Scientists at the University of Maryland say they have found a chemical that causes women to talk more than men. It's called red wine.
According to the new study, women talk almost three times as much as men. Well, you know why? Because they know men aren't listening the first two times.
Officials in Oklahoma now say it is possible that a 65-year-old man recently died of spontaneous combustion. This is not an isolated case. I think the last guy we saw go down in flames was Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr.
The price of gasoline went up again in Los Angeles for the 34th straight day in a row. Gas is so expensive that NBC can’t even afford to drive this network into the ground anymore.
The Oscars are this Sunday. Everyone will be tuning in to the telecast, and "Lincoln" is one of the big favorites. Of course, like Lincoln, most people won't stick around for the whole show.
This year producers have dropped the name Academy Awards. They're just calling it "the Oscars," since that's how people refer to it. And for the same reason, the Tonys are being renamed "the Gay Olympics."
At this year's show, instead of attractive models handing out the Oscars, six college film students have been chosen to hand them out. So now every winning actor will receive a trophy and a crappy screenplay.
Fox news host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare.
Late Show with David Letterman
Folks are excited about the Academy Awards on Sunday. Ann Hathaway will probably win. She's won so many awards she's being tested for banned substances.
Lindsay Lohan is having an Academy Awards party. Here's how it will go. Any time someone opens an envelope, or any time during the telecast they run a commercial, or any time the audience applauds or sits quietly, Lindsay will do a shot.
Have you seen a movie out there called "Zero Dark Thirty?" It's about the hunt for Osama bin Laden and his wife Mary Todd bin Laden.
Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln" received 12 nominations. I really think "Lincoln" has a shot.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked.
The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something, it'll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring Lance Armstrong.
This postal service clothing line gets my stamp of approval.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Kim Kardashian said her boyfriend Kanye West has taught her a lot about privacy. She said that to a writer who was printing it in a magazine.
The Oscars are airing live this Sunday. The ceremony takes place right across the street from us. I know this sounds like a cliché, but it is an honor just to be located across the street from them.
There's an interesting contest going on in the best actress category. Both the youngest and oldest actresses are competing. The one is only 9, which makes your kid's performance as tree number two in the school play seem a little less impressive, right?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.
Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” contains a lot of errors. They were like, “The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance — but in real life, it’s WAY worse than that.”
After the success of his book, “Killing Lincoln,” Bill O’Reilly is coming out with a new book called “Killing Jesus.” He's going to be disappointed when he finds out there's already a book about that.
Researchers have discovered that a chemical in the brain causes women to talk more than men. It’s called “Chardonnay.”