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Tuesday Feb 19 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You knew this was going to happen. Dozens and dozens of lawsuits have already been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. Well, if you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved.

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.

Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics.

Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages.

Conan

The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring.

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horse meat. So if I were you, I'd stay away from the "Rigatoni, My Little Pony."

In Massachusetts, a dad promised his daughter $200 if she would get off Facebook, which is ridiculous, because every parent knows the best way to get a kid off of Facebook is to join Facebook.

Yesterday Burger King's official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow Burger King on twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves.

Late Show with David Letterman

I have a special treat for the audience here tonight. Save your ticket stubs, all right? Somebody's going on a Carnival Cruise!

The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you're the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you're at Denny's blowing on your soup.

Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son.

Pope Benedict is deaf in one ear. He's deaf in one ear and also a little bit blind, but boy, he sure could play a mean pinball.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don't count them charging $25 to check a bag.

The thieves got away in a minivan. Police are blaming the Serbian crime syndicate. In a minivan? I think it's diabolical soccer moms.

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it's kind of cool. But it's not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn't "Ocean's 11." These guys just came up and took someone's hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it's more like "Ocean's 12."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet.

Today North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last 10 years. You can tell they're trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, “North Korea: You'll Never Want to Leave, Because We Won't Let You.”

Reader's Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn't been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.

Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, “Wait, that was illegal?”

 
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