Thursday Feb 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Lent officially began yesterday. Do you know what the Lakers are giving up for Lent? The playoffs.

For those of you who are not Catholic, the idea of Lent is you're supposed to give up something so you can experience suffering. Or you could just go on a Carnival Cruise.

My heart goes out to those poor passengers stuck on that floating bedpan in the Gulf of Mexico. For four days, 4,000 people stuck on a ship with foul odors, the toilets aren't working, and there's long lines for food. And here's the worst part. The karaoke machine is still working.

Donald Trump called the Beyoncé Super Bowl halftime show "inappropriate" and "a national scandal." Apparently, it lacked the quiet dignity of Gary Busey and Meat Loaf screaming at each other on "The Apprentice."


I want to say if any of you are alone today, it could be worse. You could be on a cruise ship right now — the most miserable cruise in the history of the world.

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their man to propose on Valentine's Day. And the same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's day five of that Carnival Cruise trip. You know you're on a bad cruise if you wake up on day two, you look out your little porthole, and you see the captain and the crew in a lifeboat.

There's a giant asteroid hurdling toward earth and it's 150 miles wide. The nation of Iran has solved the problem. They have launched a monkey into space where it will reflect the asteroid with a coconut.

Happy birthday to Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who is 71 years old today. They had a lovely party down at city hall. They have a big cake, and to blow out the candles the mayor stands up on a big stack of his money.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The biggest gifts on Valentine's Day are flowers and chocolate. Because what says true love better than murdering a plant and then making someone fat?

For me, the best Valentine's Day gifts don't cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That's why I composed a special Valentine's Day poem for you, my audience. "Roses are red, love's but a fable. I'm really sorry you can't afford cable."

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hear from a lot of women who swear they don't care about Valentine's Day. In my experience, you can tell how much someone cares about Valentine's Day by how much they tell you they don't care about Valentine's Day.

A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

The song "Gangnam Style" has been named best song for kids to listen to while brushing their teeth. However, it is the worst song to listen to during everything else.

Personally, I think most parents would rather have all their kids' teeth fall out than hear that song one more time.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was Valentine's Day. And if you just found that out, that's why you're in trouble.

Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriend Connor Kennedy was arrested yesterday for handcuffing himself to the White House gate to bring attention to climate change. He's bummed about the arrest, but he's glad to attach himself to something that won't write a song about him.

Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to.

A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony.

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