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Wednesday Feb 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?

As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job.

Conan

This Valentine's Day, White Castle restaurants are going to offer a discount to couples who dine there. Yeah, because there's no better way to tell a woman you love her than to pay even less at a White Castle.

The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah.

The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do.

Experts are predicting that the success of Amazon is going to lead to the closure of many RadioShacks. When reached for comment, the CEO of RadioShack said, "Wait, there are still RadioShacks?"

Late Show with David Letterman

Welcome to "The Late Show," ladies and gentlemen. It's the best place to be if you're giving up entertainment for Lent.

Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.

Did you see the State of the Union address last night? President Obama spoke for an hour. One disappointment: not one mention about the zombie attack in Montana.

A couple of days ago, an emergency broadcast in Montana announced that zombies, the living dead, had risen from the grave and were attacking the living. The police department received four phone calls. They received more phone calls when Hostess Cupcakes went out of business.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show.

If you're a dog, winning at Westminster is like an actor winning an Oscar, a tennis player winning at Wimbledon, or an NBA player winning a Kardashian. It's a big deal!

Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee.

The dog is going to be in a Broadway play. I'm not sure which one. Maybe "Fiddler on the Rrrufff."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need "Biggie" fries to have regular-sized fries.

While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.

How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, "Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun."

But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The trend this year is couples saying they don’t need to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day, because they love each other EVERY day. I think that’s sweet, but to all the guys out there watching, I just want to say it’s a trap!

Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you — it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.

President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, "Beats the finger I usually get!"

A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, “I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!” And her professor said, “Don't you mean WHOMEVER?”

 
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