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Tuesday Feb 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, “Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!" If we're really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?

This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of "Hail to the Chief," they played “Hey, Big Spender.”

The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.

Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it’s an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys.

Conan

The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well.

President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, "our black guy."

Lean Cuisine has recalled some of their frozen dinners because they may contain shards of glass. It's too bad because people were really losing weight with those.

The Atlanta Braves baseball team has decided to stop using their screaming Indian logo because they say it's offensive. Unfortunately, the logo they've replaced it with is an Asian kid getting into Harvard.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody in town for the Westminster Kennel Club's dog show? All of the dogs competing in the competition stay at the same motel. Have you been there? Oh, what a flea bag!

The winner of the dog show gets a beautiful blue ribbon and a toilet full of champagne.

How many of you watched the State of the Union address just for the commercials?

I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight is Mardi Gras. I'll lose control and do things I'll regret tomorrow, trading my dignity for a few small trinkets. Then when I'm done doing this show, I'll go and celebrate Mardi Gras.

Mardi Gras is only the fourth-biggest drinking holiday of the year. The top three are St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Tuesdays at Mel Gibson's.

Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party.

Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday." Unfortunately, we're all so politically correct now, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big-Boned Day After Monday."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it.

Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to pre-emptively rebut their rebuttal.

So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to "Inception," isn't it?

Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition came out today. This is the 50th anniversary of the swimsuit edition. The first one was published in 1964. And after 50 years, they still are yet to sell a single swimsuit.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013.

Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well, it's because Washington was famous for saying, "I cannot tell a lie."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a "You don't have a clue" problem.

Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up “being Pope.”

 
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