Monday Feb 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Pope is resigning! I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought.

The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, "I've got some stuff that can help you with that."

The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!

Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.


Pope Benedict announced he's retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, "If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people."

The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody here for the annual Westminster Dog Show? It's an important event and quite a competition — and they say that it is usually a pretty good indicator of the Academy Awards.

Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill.

The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.

The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The big news today is from the Vatican. The Pope is resigning. He's hanging up his giant hat.

The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.

CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you watch the Grammys last night? The Grammy Awards celebrate the albums and songs we download illegally.

The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.

The Pope will step down on February 28, which means he gave Jesus two weeks' notice.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, “Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.”

Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?

Last night was the Grammy Awards, and Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?”

Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, “No.”

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