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Wednesday Feb 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.

This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare.

The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com.

Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?

Conan

Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave.

Beyonce's publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyoncé removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as hard working and new to the Internet.

A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie "Lincoln" are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark.

Late Show with David Letterman

After the Super Bowl game, the winning team, the Baltimore Ravens, lost the trophy. But that's not the only thing. The 49ers lost the trophy in the first quarter.

You know, something similar happened to golfer Tiger Woods. He lost a trophy wife.

In New York City this week, it's Fashion Week. Remember, during Fashion Week, please, whatever you do, do not feed the supermodels.

In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a great day for fans of Monopoly — the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

To make room for a cat, Monopoly's dropping one of the old game pieces. So the iron is going away. Take it from me. You should never put a cat and an iron together. No matter how wrinkly the cat is.

You know what I never understood? — why they sell Ouija boards in the "board game" section. I don't think that is really a game, is it? Nothing says "family fun" like communicating with the dead.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A major announcement from the makers of Monopoly today. They're retiring their least-popular game piece — the iron. It will not be a part of the game from now on. They have to keep updating these poor games to keep them fresh. Candy Land just changed its name to Fresh Organic Vegetable Land.

Monopoly let people in 120 countries vote through Facebook. The choices for a new game piece were a diamond ring, a little robot, helicopter, guitar, and the winner which was a cat. This goes to show you if you let the Internet decide, it will always choose cats.

I hope this doesn't cause a problem with the little Scottie dog. I can't have animals chasing each other on my board.

Now what do you do with the Monopoly iron? There are still ways to enjoy it. You can use it as a paperweight for Post-it notes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, “Yeah, THAT'S the leather you should be worried about.”

It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion.

After thousands of people voted on Facebook, Monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. And if that surprises you, remember — these are the people who had enough free time to vote on a new Monopoly game piece.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone because today it left North Korea.

 
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