Thursday Jan 31 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino has admitted he fathered a child while having an extramarital affair with a CBS production assistant. And today Manti Te'o said, "See, that's why you have imaginary girlfriends."

Today Dr. Phil spoke to the guy who was behind the Manti Te'o hoax in a special two-part episode of "Dr. Phil." That's when you know somebody's really screwed up — when Dr. Phil needs two shows to fix him.

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis once again denied using the banned substance deer antler velvet extract. He says these accusations are nothing more than a trick of the devil. Today Patriots coach Bill Belichick said, "Why am I getting dragged into this? I had nothing to do with it."

In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches.

Late Show with David Letterman

Are you thrilled about Super Bowl XLVII? Are you ready to go? The 50-yard line is where you'd want to sit, right? From there you are so close you can smell the deer antler spray.

Before you kids start using the deer antler spray, there are a couple of side effects. Number one, skittishness. And number two, freezing in headlights.

You know who's having a Super Bowl party? Manti Te'o. He's already hired an imaginary caterer.

Lindsay Lohan is back in court. For Lindsay, this will be appearance number XLVII.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today is the anniversary of the very first daytime soap opera. It was called "These Are My Children," and it premiered in 1949 on NBC. There aren't many soap operas left. They're going away, like newspapers and compact discs and Lance Armstrong fans.

With Facebook, now you can watch any person's life like it's a soap opera, assuming it's a real person. Am I right, college football players with fake girlfriends?

Growing up in Scotland, I watched the soap opera "Coronation Street." It was on TV over there for 50 years — like Larry King in this country.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

On Sunday the 49ers take on the Ravens in Super Bowl. Here's what I don't get. They spend a lot of money on the commercials. Shouldn't they run the beer and chip commercials BEFORE the Super Bowl?

I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare.

There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off.

The petition has almost 12,000 signatures. Do we need a day off after the Super Bowl? Isn't that kind of disrespectful to our real holidays?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don't know why people are surprised — the Dolphins never gave him good protection.

To compete with the Super Bowl on Sunday, TNT is airing a marathon of “Law & Order.” Now viewers have two places to see Ray Lewis.

Lance Armstrong has turned down a spot on the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Even weirder, Manti Te'o's girlfriend said yes.

A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, "a tunnel."

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