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Tuesday Jan 29 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Boy Scouts of America is now considering an end to its longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. How about that? And the girl scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called "Don't ask, just sell."

The whole world is changing. In fact, today, the Olympic Committee said soon they may allow straight male figure skaters.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on obesity is President Obama's economic policy.

Conan

This will be the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she's got 20 grand on the Ravens.

It's being reported that Korean pop star Psy will appear in a Super Bowl commercial and then finally he will go away forever.

This weekend the Pope released a dove from his window only to see it get viciously attacked by a sea gull. So either there is no God or there is a God and he's hilarious.

Ben and Jerry's has announced a new flavor based on a popular TV show. But I'm not sure people want a scoop of Law and Order: Special Victims' Yogurt.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Super Bowl is on Sunday and both teams are coached by Harbaughs. I'm sick and tired of hearing about Harbaughs. They're now getting their own shows, "The Harbaughs" and "Keeping Up With the Harbaughs."

New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they're taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam — not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes — not a problem. Meth labs on every corner — not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel — not a problem.

Manti Te'o was a standout college football player in love with a young girl that he's never seen or met. So the kid goes on Katie Couric's show and says his life has changed because of this. Now he's everywhere. Tomorrow he'll be on Rachel Ray's show. He'll be cooking imaginary coconut prawns.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a great day for two American icons who share a birthday today. The ruler of Hawaii, Tom Selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world, Oprah Winfrey.

What do you buy Oprah Winfrey for her birthday? She has everything — except a successful TV network.

Oprah was in the news recently for her Lance Armstrong interview. It was TV at its most powerful. Armstrong tearfully admitted to using steroids, and Oprah reciprocated by tearfully admitting she once had to pump her own gas.

I greatly respect Oprah because she is from a tough background. Her story's fantastic. She was born dirt poor in the Deep South, then went on to help millions. She was her generation's Honey Boo Boo.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are here, and so is Kim's unborn baby. So technically tonight, we have two and a half Kardashians — which is a show that CBS should make immediately.

According to multiple reports, singers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a tussle over a parking spot on Sunday night. Chris posted a painting on Instagram last night comparing himself to Jesus on the cross. Fighting guys in parking lots: That's so Jesus.

Apple unveiled a new version of the iPad today. This iPad has all the same features as the last iPad plus more memory. It comes with a trash can for you to store all the iPads that you already have.

At this point, I would like to have Apple just set up a system where we send them a check for $700 every four to six months and they just promise not to make new things.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn't the amount of time he had.

The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, “You know we're already citizens, right?”

Today was media day for Super Bowl 47, and both teams shared their predictions for Sunday’s game. It was pretty crazy. One team thinks THEY'RE going to win — but the other team thinks THEY'RE going to win.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they’re not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money.

 
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