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Monday Jan 28 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to "stop being the stupid party." Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, smokers lose at least one decade off their life compared to nonsmokers. However, the cost of living has gone up, so it's cheaper to buy cigarettes now and die sooner.

According to a new report, it now costs $351,000 to raise a child for 18 years. And you can double that again waiting the next 18 years for that lazy kid to move out of the basement.

Subway has officially apologized to any customer who was served a foot-long sub that didn't measure a foot long. Is that how fat we've gotten in this country now — where we're threatening legal action if our subs are an inch too short?

Conan

A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as "lucky."

Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive.

A fan is suing the San Antonio Spurs because at the game he attended the star players were benched. Meanwhile in L.A., a fan is suing the Lakers because at the game he attended, the star players played.

Late Show with David Letterman

If I seem a little woozy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.

Are you excited about the Super Bowl? The pregame coverage, of course, began on Labor Day.

The earth's temperature has gone up 2 degrees, which is 2 more degrees than Dr. Phil has.

Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email.

This cent-by-cent thing by the post office is annoying. It's how CBS gives me raises.

Some people think email has ruined the art of letter writing. I disagree. Email has us writing more than ever. But email has ruined the art of licking.

Most stamps these days are self-adhesive. You don't even need to lick them anymore. So now I've got all this extra saliva.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Our 10-year anniversary was Saturday night so this is the first show of our second decade on television. We have had a goal for 10 years, and that is to put on a great show. One day we're going to put on a great show. Until then, we will wait.

The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet.

It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent.

In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on “60 Minutes” for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit.

Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.

Today is the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel “Pride and Prejudice.” Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about halfway through and then giving up.

 
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