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Thursday Jan 17 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Notre Dame’s superstar linebacker Manti Te’o apparently had an online girlfriend who didn’t really exist. They're calling it the biggest hoax involving Notre Dame since they were ranked number one in the nation.

Happy birthday to first lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she’d like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don’t worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money.

According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. The Cheesecake Factory? It's always the last place you'd expect.

The most unhealthy dish at The Cheesecake Factory was something called the bistro shrimp pasta, with 3,120 calories. And that's before the cheesecake.

Conan

Notre Dame player Manti Te’o is being accused of fraud and deception over his imaginary girlfriend. Some say this hoax could harm Manti's ranking in the NFL draft. On the other hand, it could open up an entire new branch of fantasy football.

Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow.

Facebook's new search engine is getting a lot of attention. CEO Mark Zuckerberg pointed out that Facebook can now help people find new friends. He doesn't know that Facebook is for stalking old ones.

A group of nutritionists criticized The Cheesecake Factory for a pasta dish that has 3,000 calories. A representative from Olive Garden said, "What is pasta? Tell us more of this interesting dish."

Late Show with David Letterman

Notre Dame has a kid named Manti Te’o, a linebacker. It turns out his girlfriend was imaginary. But in his defense, Brent Musberger said she was really hot.

I feel bad for the Notre Dame kid because when I was in college things like that would happen to me. I would meet a lot of real women and they would give me imaginary phone numbers.

One time it was really sad because a beautiful woman actually faked her death to get out of going to the prom with me.

The only other athlete I can think of with an imaginary girlfriend was Chris Humphries.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover — an American flag!

The Sundance Film Festival begins today. The jury is choosing among 87 different films. I'd like be on that jury. I'd bang my gavel and say, "I find your film guilty of being self-indulgent and boring the crap out of me. I hereby sentence you to watch "Weekend at Bernie's," and anything by Pauly Shore."

I don't know if I could be a judge. Watching five movies a day sounds exhausting. But maybe that's just a sign of how out of shape I am.

There are some great documentaries this year. One's called "Linsanity: the Movie." It's about basketball player Jeremy Lin. He's America's most interesting athlete who's never had a fake girlfriend.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Have you been following the Manti Te’o story? Apparently Te'o, a well-known college football player, was in a relationship with a woman he met online. But it turned out that the woman was Bruce Willis and he was dead the whole time.

Manti Te’o is a linebacker at Notre Dame. In September, his girlfriend passed away. The media ran with the story of the football hero overcoming personal tragedy. But it turned out she never existed. Some people play fantasy football. Manti Te’o plays fantasy people.

The first part of Oprah Winfrey's big interview with Lance Armstrong aired tonight. At one point, Lance broke down and cried. And here's a funny thing. Wherever a tear landed, a new muscle grew.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend, and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the Heisman Trophy. Or as Manti Te’o put it, “I’m gonna have to talk to Oprah, aren’t I?”

Manti Te'o's online girlfriend was a complete fabrication. When they heard that, nerds were like, “Man, even IMAGINARY girls only like jocks.”

In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, “Yeah, that's how families work.”

Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs. But on the bright side, it’ll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot.

 
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