Friday Jan 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?

U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs — put them in vegetables.

Carrots and marijuana — how good will your vision be after THIS combination?

A former bodyguard for Justin Bieber is now suing Justin Bieber, saying that the star assaulted him. Well, you can see why he's suing. Good luck getting anymore work as a bodyguard when find out that you got beat up by Justin Bieber.

Late Show with David Letterman

This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.

Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney.

The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby.

Kim Kardashian is so optimistic that she says if it goes well with Kanye West she might add a Kanye East.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big new movie out today that I'm excited about: "Gangster Squad." The leader is played by Josh Brolin. He's a real tough guy. He looks like he can go toe-to-toe with even the toughest adversary. That'll happen when your stepmom is Barbra Streisand.

"Gangster Squad" is set in 1948, when L.A. was ruled by a ruthless gang that defended its turf with threats and deception. Sort of like the Kardashians, but with better style.

Sean Penn is also in this movie. Sean Penn is a villain who says crazy things and punches out the good guys. I'm not sure what he does in the movie.

Penn plays legendary gangster Mickey Cohen. In the 1940s Mickey Cohen and his gang ran this town. Now it's run by Mickey Mouse and the Disney gang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Centers for Disease Control announced that the flu has officially reached epidemic status. Epidemics are rarely good. You rarely hear about balloon epidemics.

Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months.

It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying "I'll be back" all the time.

Justin Bieber is being sued by a former bodyguard. The bodyguard's lawsuit claims Justin punched him repeatedly in the chest. He's seeking $420,000. I think I would pay $420,000 to keep the fact that I got beat up by Justin Bieber a secret.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, "Cool, at least they think we do something."

Yesterday American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, "American Express. Don't leave home."

Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays.

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