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Monday Jan 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn't we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"?

Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers, and doughnuts.

Police in Brazil have apprehended a cat that has been traveling in and out of a men's prison with various escape tools, like saw blades and drill bits, taped to its body. The judge was pretty harsh. Today, the cat received nine life sentences.

Lance Armstrong now says he may admit that he used performance enhancing drugs. I guess he realized he’s the only person in the world who still wasn’t sure about it.

Conan

Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the president is telling Joe Biden.

Tonight Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS championship game. That's big. I was home for the holidays so I've had quite enough of the Fighting Irish.

After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. So finally Americans can get back to not watching hockey.

Last week photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana. Fans of Justin Bieber were really upset and fans of marijuana were really embarrassed.

Late Show with David Letterman

The hockey lockout is over. We had no hockey in October. I knew the NHL lockout would be settled once it was purchased by al-Jazeera.

A team of scientists in Scotland has developed a computer that writes jokes. The good thing about a computer that writes jokes is that the jokes may not be that funny, but at least it doesn't take off the Jewish holidays.

Lindsay Lohan was in court again today. She's been sworn in so many times she has Bible elbow.

Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Two beloved institutions have returned. Yesterday the NHL agreed to end their strike. On the same day, "Downton Abbey" began season three on PBS. I would love to see more hockey on "Downton Abbey."

Hockey and "Downton Abbey" are very different, of course. One's a vicious game played by scary people with bad teeth. The other one's hockey.

Over here, "Downton Abbey" is on PBS. That's why I'm glad I watched it in Britain. I don't feel guilty about not giving PBS any money.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn’t a real place.

Lance Armstrong’s lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. He said that Lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying about it.

A new study found that our personalities change about once every 10 years. And if you disagree with the study — well, just give it 10 years.

On Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Duct tape to hold someone in their seat — or as Southwest Airlines calls that, "a seatbelt."

 
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