Friday Aug 07 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Earlier this week, former President Clinton flew back from North Korea on a private jet accompanied by two beautiful reporters who he rescued from being sent to an all-female prison camp. In other words, after years of wasting his time as president, Clinton has finally found his calling.

Today, Mel Martinez, the Senate’s only Hispanic Republican, announced he’s stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, “I’m sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.”

Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Unfortunately the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game.

On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, "Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate." So it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh.

Late Show with David Letterman

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Big “American Idol” news — Paula Abdul’s not returning as a judge. That’s crazy! To leave a top-rated show like that, you’d have to be high . . .

Paula made an official statement earlier today. She said, “Razzle badezzle bub.”

Paula, I thought I knew you! This country has room for only one woman who quits early, and that’s Sarah Palin.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

“American Idol” will go on without Paula Abdul. She supposedly wanted $20 million a year. She told The Associated Press, “At this point, there are many wonderful things being offered to me.” Of course there are. There are a lot of openings for crazy women right now — Octo-Mom nanny, governor of Alaska . . .

You don’t hear much about gold mining these days, but Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill that will ban gold miners from using gas-powered tools to look for gold in rivers. Once again, it’s Arnold versus the machines.

A guy in Florida was charged with 10 counts of child pornography. Well, he’s blaming his cat. He says that the cat would jump on the keyboard and somehow that would download child pornography. It turns out it was a huge misunderstanding — the cat was downloading “kitty” porn.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, are in Kiawah Island, South Carolina for a weeklong vacation. That’s great. They’re saying it’s the most relaxing vacation Obama’s ever had.

And you can always tell when Joe Biden’s been to the beach. He comes back with braided hair-plugs.

Despite losing over 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment rate dropped from 9.5 percent to 9.4 percent. I think that means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment office.

But that small drop is not enough for Obama. To get that number down even further, he’s promised to find Paula Abdul a job.

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