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Thursday Dec 20 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush.

As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it.

A Michigan lawyer has been arrested for manufacturing crystal meth in his office. I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls.

Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. it just didn't work out. Kind of like Tebow and the quarterbacking thing, just didn't work out.

Late Show with David Letterman

According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place.

Even with the apocalypse there is always something good. There's always a silver line. For example, The Mayan apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon.

I went to see "Lincoln," and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I'm sure the new movies are good, but I'm upset there are no real Christmas movies. Like "It's a Wonderful Life," where Jimmy Stewart finds himself in a world where no one can see him. It's like nobody's aware of his existence. I know that feeling.

"It's a Wonderful Life" is the one where the angel earns his wings. Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like "Two and a Half Men" without a cast member going crazy.

Instead of remaking an old Christmas movie, maybe Hollywood could make a sequel to a Christmas movie that people liked. Like that Tim Allen movie, "The Santa Cause." There are people who'd love another one of those movies. By people, I mean Tim Allen.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After three years and six seasons, the final episode of “Jersey Shore” aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, “So we were off by one day.”

There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, "Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?" And the kid was like, "shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?"

The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man.

 
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