Tuesday Dec 18 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.

NBC's foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.

Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie “Zero Dark Thirty.” It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film “Lincoln.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.

Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son's having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties.

And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey's birthday.

"A Charlie Brown Christmas" aired on CBS for 35 years. But since 2001 it's been airing on ABC. I can't believe CBS let a classic like that get away, yet they keep this crappy show on the air.

I love Charlie Brown. He's a pretty mopey kid. His whole demeanor is depressing. The first time saw Charlie Brown, I couldn't believe he wasn't Scottish. And he wears the same yellow and black shirt every day. It makes him look like a Steelers fan.

Here is what I think is weird about Charlie Brown. People always call him by his full name. I'd like it if people referred to me by my complete name: Craig Dingleberry Mcpennywhistle Susan Ferguson.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.

Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn't end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.

And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably.

If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.

Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of “The Hobbit”!

Last week a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, “You had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ — you LOST me at ‘gluten-free’ — then you won me back with “9,000 pounds of cheese.’”

There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of “The Expendables 3,” along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie’s next title: “The Can’t-Understandables.”

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