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Monday Dec 17 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In what's being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It's called "Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff."

Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands.

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton passed out, hit her head, and suffered a minor concussion. Well, we found out today why she passed out. Apparently, she heard the Lakers won two games in a row.

Animal control officers have now shut down a rat-breeding business here in California due to animal neglect. That's when you know things are bad — when your business is too unsanitary for rats.

Late Show with David Letterman

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens.

For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.

This weekend I finished my packing for the apocalypse coming up on December 21. What do you take? What do you leave behind?

If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A woman in Spain was arrested for stashing three pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. I thought, "That's quite a bust."

Anne Hathaway was photographed stepping out of a car last week with no underpants on. That's still not as embarrassing as the time she hosted the Oscars.

You know the economy is bad when the most successful celebrities can't afford underwear.

Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It's a toy that came out in 1998. It's weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn't thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

On Saturday night someone stole the cover off my daughter's Prius. My daughter is away at college. I'm determined to catch these guys. Who steals the cover off a car? That's like stealing the cap off a pen.

If you thieves are watching right now, I want you to know that my name is Jimmy Kimmel and you stole the cover off my daughter's Prius and I will not rest until you are brought to justice.

I never felt more like Liam Neeson than I did a moment ago.

To get you in the Christmas spirit, we booked a rapper by the name of 2 Chainz who reminds me of a young Bing Crosby.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.

ABC is working on a new show inspired by Justin Bieber’s life before he got famous. It makes sense — I mean, there’s just so much we don’t know about that week.

 
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