Thursday Dec 13 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius!

Yesterday a judge in Los Angeles revoked Lindsay Lohan's probation and Lindsay could get 5 to 10 behind bars. Not years, that’s minutes. This is L.A. jail time.

The Army has started kicking out overweight soldiers, and they're refusing to admit recruits that are obese. That shows you how times have changed. Back in the '60s, you had to go to Canada to stay out of the Army. Now, you just have to go to McDonald's.

Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.


Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They're not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They're Laker fans.

Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in.

Today is Taylor Swift's 23rd birthday. She said she wants to spend a quiet at home breaking up with someone.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's award season. They start off with the Nobel Prize awards. Then they go to the Golden Globes.

The Golden Globes is the only TV award show where everybody gets to drink through the show. But that's not true. I drink through them all.

Barbara Walters' "Ten Most Fascinating People" show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.

The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Usually I go into a diatribe about how the Golden Globe people are a scandal-ridden group of suck-ups whose only joy in life is getting within 10 feet of movie stars. In other words, "my people."

Golden Globes are given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The entertainment journalists are from tiny foreign newspapers like the Luxembourg Pennysaver, the Oslo Tattler, and the Rotterdam Bugler.

The favorite in the comedy/musical category is "Les Misérables." Because what's funnier or catchier than prison breaks, poverty, and the guillotine?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There are only 11 days before Christmas Eve. I give a lot of gifts on Christmas and I get a lot of gifts on Christmas. But I don't open them right away. I like to save my gifts and I open them during shark week. It's just more exciting.

The nominations for the Golden Globes were announced this morning. If you got a screaming phone call at 4 a.m., you were either nominated for a Golden Globe or you're Charlie Sheen's girlfriend.

The Golden Globes are very important because whoever wins the Golden Globe may or may not win the Oscar.

Steven Spielberg's movie "Lincoln" had the most nominations of any film this year. Seven. "Lincoln" was nominated for best picture, best director, best beard without a mustache, and furriest top hat.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, “The point.”

HBO is planning a new movie similar to “Game Change,” but based on the 2012 election. The network said they’re not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, “Hey, I’m not doing anything.”

This week, police in Ohio had to break up a fight between two neighbors with the last names Hall and Oates. But don’t worry. It was quickly broken up by officers Simon and Garfunkel.

Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.

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