Tuesday Dec 11 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody.

The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.

More problems for Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.

Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012."


According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Clause is a Democrat — which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.

For the first time ever, "Sesame Street" is going to be tackling the topic of divorce. They want to make it clear that it's never the child's fault. And Ernie and Bert will remain friends.

This year over 1,500 soldiers were kicked out of the armed forces for being overweight. And half of our fighter pilots are being charged for two seats.

According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But American kids are ahead in buying stuff made by Asian kids.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City, especially during the holidays, is the only place I know where the shoplifters complain about the pickpockets.

FedEx handled 19 million packages yesterday. They didn't deliver them, they just handled them.

Barbara Walters puts together her 10 most fascinating people of the year list, and it goes way back. I think on the first show she did, numbers one and two were the Wright brothers.

I'm happy and gratified to be on the Barbara Walters list this year. I'm between the monkey that was running around in a Toronto store and Clint Eastwood's empty chair.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The latest report from the U.S. Census Bureau is out. For the first time, more people are moving away from California than are moving to California. People are leaving California in droves. To the people leaving California, I give you the traditional California farewell: "Adios, amigos."

I'm not that surprised people are leaving California. People want to escape the earthquakes, the mudslides, the Kardashians, the Honey Boo Boos.

People think Californians are a bunch of spaced-out morons without a care in the world who can't hold a thought in their heads. And to them I say, "Whatever."

There are parts of California that are as spectacular as anywhere in the country. Especially the part of California known as "not L.A."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions.

Some people said, "Oh, Santa's a Democrat because he gives handouts," and other people said, "He's a Republican because he's an old white guy."

The fact of the matter is Santa isn't a Democrat or a Republican. In fact, Santa isn't even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word "Hickenlooper."

Facebook announced that its service is back to 100 percent, after it went down for more than an hour yesterday. Yep, Facebook is finally working, which means the rest of us can finally stop.

Last night on Twitter, Donald Trump mistakenly called New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, “Bob Belichick.” Then he said, “I apologize to the entire Patriots organization, and their quarterback, Jan Brady.”

A professor at MIT just said that Windows 8 is a Christmas gift you should get for someone you hate. So, looks like you’ve got some competition, Edible Arrangements.

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