Monday Dec 10 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Al-Qaida's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family.
Did you see the Manny Pacquiao fight? He got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Was that really that big of a deal? Passing out face first in Vegas — who hasn't done that, really?
Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos.
Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it.
Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, "You lost for the same reason I did — young Hispanics."
Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years.
Taylor Swift turns 23 this week. Taylor said she's at that age where she just wants to settle down, then break up, and then write a hit song about it.
Late Show with David Letterman
Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?
A giant whale washed up on the beach in Malibu. Immediately the sheriff's department came and got it, and took it over to the local sushi bar.
It's the Nobel Peace Prize time of year again in Oslo. The ceremony was hosted by Seth McFarland.
The Nobel Peace Prize actually went to the guy who broke up the fight between Halle Berry's boyfriends on Thanksgiving.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The peace prize is awarded in Oslo. When someone told me, I said, "Norway?" He said, "Yes, way."
The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean "Germany."
I think the EU should expand and bring peace to the world's more troubled region. Perhaps the set of "Two and a Half Men."
Who accepts the Nobel Prize if it goes to a group? It has to be someone not associated with any one country. Someone beloved by all of Europe for no reason at all. David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It's starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won't get off us.
It's time to start practicing your pretending-to-like-a-gift face.
Women are better at wrapping gifts. I was thinking about why that is. Look at them. They wear bows and ribbons. They ARE presents. Meanwhile, men wear baseball caps and oversized team jackets. That's the fashion equivalent of a gift bag.
Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, "Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost." If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A survey found that 66 million Americans haven’t started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili’s gift cards.
Despite a rough season, the New York Jets can technically still make the playoffs. Incidentally, “technically” is what most people say when someone asks them if they’re still a Jets fan.
There’s a new iPhone app that uses your location to give you constant updates about the weather. It’s called “Talking to Your Mom.”
McDonald’s reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed.