Wednesday Dec 05 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: "Running Deficit."

Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that.

There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey.

The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.


Starbucks is now introducing for the holidays a $450 gift card. It's good for two small coffees and a Josh Groban CD.

Mercedes is developing technology to let you look at Facebook on your car windshield. It's perfect for everyone who wants to get hit by an oncoming 18-wheeler.

Scientists announced they have found the world's oldest dinosaur. It had a collar on it that read, "If lost, please return to Larry King."

Late Show with David Letterman

Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels.

Hugh Hefner is engaged. Hugh Hefner is 86 years old and his fiancée, Crystal, is 26 years old. Police are already ruling it a suicide.

Hugh Hefner has been married many, many times. Twice to Richard Burton.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A list of the world's best cities came out today and the highest-ranking American city is Honolulu at number 28. They got points taken off for bad public transportation, but apparently it's a great place to get fake birth certificates.

The list makers say that L.A. needs to spend more time on basic infrastructure. That's not true. Do you have any idea how much reinforced concrete and stucco we use every year to prop up Cher?

According to the list, the number one city in the world to live is Vienna, Austria. All right, it's a nice city. I've been there, but it's not Bristol, Tennessee. The main problem, it's full of Austrians.

Austrians are a cross between Germans and Australians. It's like, "G'day, Fräulein" and "Put another bratwurst on the barbie, mate."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, "Hey, we tried to warn you."

Barbara Walters has released part of her "Most Fascinating People" list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That's right. The woman who may soon be president — and Hillary Clinton.

Anderson Cooper said that while filming a segment for "60 Minutes" he got a sunburn on his eyeball and was temporarily blind. Either that, or Anderson Cooper is terrible at faking a sick day.

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