Tuesday Nov 13 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

"Skyfall," the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie — it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA.

People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA — and yet he's behaving like your common congressman.

The movie "Lincoln" opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.

I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter.


David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there — don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you.

Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters.

At a gas station in Texas, a woman purchased what she thought was a $200 iPad that turned out to be just a mirror. Let that be a lesson. Make sure you buy your iPad from a REPUTABLE gas station.

Late Show with David Letterman

News from the world of auction houses: Christies last night auctioned off a 76-carat diamond. I believe it was purchased by General Petraeus for his wife.

How about that General Petraeus? Then they I got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing.

Paul Ryan wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names.

A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today was the release of "Call of Duty: Black Ops 2." I saw people camped out last night waiting for it. I thought it was some kind of Occupy Toys "R" Us.

There is a huge battle in the video game to see who'll control Los Angeles. They lost me right there. No one would fight for Los Angeles. Nobody really wants it.

There was a video game that I loved when I was a kid. It was Pac-Man, a little yellow guy who kept popping pills until he won. He was the Lance Armstrong of his day.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.

The new “Call of Duty: Black Ops” video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes.

The Oxford English Dictionary revealed that its word of the year is GIF — the format for animated files. People who use dictionaries were like, “What’s a GIF?” and then people who use GIFs were like, “What’s a dictionary?”

Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it "a priceless stone" while David Petraeus' wife called it "a start."

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