Friday Nov 09 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director can't keep an affair secret, you don't have a chance.

The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today.

When reporters asked Brown if he thought he should be fired, he had no defense — just like the Lakers.

The Lakers are playing so bad that their illegitimate kids now claim the Clippers are their real fathers.

Late Show with David Letterman

I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years.

They're going to have to start rationing the gas here. If you're going to wait in one of those long gas lines, here's a trick I learned. Make sure you have a full tank, because by the time they get to you . . .

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"Skyfall" opens today. The 23rd James Bond film, and it might be the best. Some people think Roger Moore was the best Bond ever. Those people are called "Roger Moore."

"Skyfall" is fantastic. I know you're thinking, "The movie studio's paying you to say that." No they're not, but I wish they would.

One of my favorites is the first one, "Doctor No." Sean Connery looked so cool, kissing Ursula Andress on that lush tropical island. Not only did Connery play James Bond, but his chest hair doubled as the lush tropical island.

Every guy in the world wants to be James Bond. Even guys in al-Qaida are like, "Death to the West. But not 007."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The U.S. Postal Service announced yesterday they are expecting this year's holiday season to be their busiest ever and also their slowest ever. That's probably the only business in America that complains about being busy.

Still no election results from Florida yet. Florida is the post office of states.

The election has been over for three days, but already there's a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You'd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the "I voted" stickers off our jackets.

The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren't running. Good study.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, “What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?”

There’s also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form.

Yesterday thousands of people complained on Twitter after Facebook went down for 60 seconds. It reminded me of the time my great-grandparents complained about having to make soup out of shoes during World War II.

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