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Thursday Nov 08 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for "American Idol."

NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer.

The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, "You got any left?"

President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote.

Conan

A lot of people are still coming to grips with Mitt Romney's loss. It was reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney's family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk. In other words, they are taking it much harder than we thought.

They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living.

Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.

Honey Boo Boo's in the news. A representative from PETA has written her a letter urging her not to eat her new pet chicken. So instead Honey Boo Boo's mom ate the representative from PETA.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here in New York City and the tri-state area we need another snowstorm event like the Republicans need another old white guy.

I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line.

Everybody is talking about the fiscal cliff. And I would be talking about the fiscal cliff too if I knew what it was.

I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when you find real bargains. It works on our innate desire to save money and to get away from your family after Thanksgiving.

I'm not buying any Christmas gifts until December 22 because that Mayan thing says the world is ending on the 21st. If it happens, I don't want to have wasted money on gifts.

Ahh, the end of the world, but plenty of cash in my pockets. Thanks, Mayans.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from "Dancing With the Stars."

Mitt Romney, the morning after defeat, was in his Boston hotel room surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There was a gallon of chocolate milk on the table. Looks like someone's on a serious bender.

Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It's important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever.

No one is exactly sure why it's taking Florida so long. I'm sure they'll have it all sorted out by Christmas.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done. They're like, "The winner is — Al Gore?"

On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it "the scariest two minutes of my life."

There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence.

If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, "What do you mean if we do nothing?"

 
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