Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.
Some more good news — the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump.
Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records.
Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.
After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.
Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.
Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney.
Yesterday Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious.
Well, it's over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won.
Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that's great, although we'll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight's debate.
A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.
Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool.
The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone.
I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a "loser" is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump!
After that, Trump tweeted, "The world is laughing at us." I'm thinking, "No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown!
Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier.
President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics.
A lot of people said over the last few weeks that if Obama wins, they're going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them.
The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map.
Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition.
Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, “Hope and Pinot Grigio.”
The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, “Eh, coulda been better.”
There’s talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, “Breaking news — we are now calling . . . my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE’S up to these days.”
Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets.