Thursday Nov 01 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I said: "What are you supposed to be?" He said: "the economy."

President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. He didn’t want to; he just didn’t want to risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya.

During the storm a tree hit Lindsay Lohan's family home in Long Island. But they think it was just nature getting back at her for all the trees she ran into with her car.

TMZ is reporting that Tim Tebow has a girlfriend, beautiful actress Camilla Belle. The word is that she likes him for him, and not just for how much time he spends sitting on the bench.


Last night Lady Gaga dressed up as a marijuana plant. Then 20 minutes later she realized it was Halloween, so she ran home and put on a costume.

Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean.

The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver.

It's being reported that Steven Tyler and his fiance are breaking up. The quote from the press release said, "My old lady and I just couldn't make it work but I wish Steven the best."

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York City Marathon is on for Sunday. Interesting piece of marathon trivia. No runner has ever won the New York City Marathon without taking Ohio.

Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday's marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds.

The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds.

It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Disney has bought the rights to the "Star Wars" movies for $4 billion. "Star Wars" fans are passionate. Most don't like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals. These people are known as idiots.

The new films will be made by Disney. I've worked with Disney. They're a great company to work for. If I don't say that, they'll hurt me.

George Lucas says that before he closed the deal with Disney, he gave rough outlines for episodes seven, eight, and nine that he wrote himself. Disney was like, "Great, George. We'll just put them on the fridge."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

New Jersey is in bad shape. Governor Christie announced water restrictions. No one is allowed to water their lawns, but they just got 18 feet of water so that seems like a reasonable request.

The power is still out for 4.5 million people. And they say 20 percent of the cell towers in New York have been wiped out. That means people have been resorting to using pay phones. They're so filthy I'd rather write a letter.

Meanwhile, Apple is going forward with the release of the iPad mini tomorrow, or for the millions of people who still don't have electricity, a paperweight.

Anyone standing in line for an iPad mini in New York or New Jersey this week should be punched, all right? If you have that kind of time, volunteer for something.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats — which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood.

Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount.

A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her.

Apple has fired the executives who were responsible for the recent Maps debacle. Apple told them, "Get lost!" And they were like, "Great, we'll just use Apple Maps."

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