Wednesday Oct 31 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, "Who are you supposed to be?" He said, "I'm an undecided voter."

My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after you eat it.

Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.

Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama.


A company has come out with a kit that helps you carve pornographic images into a pumpkin. The kit is being marketed under the name "The Amish Internet."

It's being reported that although Hurricane Sandy damaged thousands of homes in New Jersey, the house used on "Jersey Shore" was left completely undamaged. In other words, there is no god. I think that's proof, right?

Due to the tough economy, two of the world's biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they're only going to publish one book this year — "50 Shades of Harry Potter."

Late Show with David Letterman

Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show.

The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race.

Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos.

The New York City Marathon is still on for Sunday. Typically the New York City Marathon is won by a guy from Kenya. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm thinking about next week's election.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina.

That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee's employee of the week.

Mayor Bloomberg announced that all cars coming into New York City via the bridge must have a minimum of three people in them. Unless one of the people is very, very fat — in which case, two people but no sodas.

Unfortunately, the Brooklyn Nets had to cancel their big home opener tomorrow night. Good news is, if the Nets can keep this up for eight more months, they could have their first undefeated season.

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