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Tuesday Oct 30 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

"Don't ask, don't tell" is back. Not for gays in the military — it's President Obama's new policy for questions about Libya.

Republicans are accusing the White House of successfully engineering a massive cover-up of the Libyan attack. But, on the plus side, it's the first time in four years Republicans have given credit to Obama for doing anything successfully.

Hurricane Sandy is being called the biggest disaster to hit New York City since the Yankees signed A-Rod.

The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe.

Conan

Everybody's mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worse is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park.

Apple is having its problems. The executive responsible for their failed maps was fired yesterday. But he still can't find his way out of the building.

It was announced today that there will be a new "Star Wars" movie in 2015. By then, Harrison Ford will be old enough to play Yoda.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are being accused of having too many white players. Some say it's a ploy to appeal to a mostly white fan base. The owner claims it's not a ploy to win fans. It's a ploy to lose games.

Late Show with David Letterman

This is the day after Hurricane Sandy, and once again we have no studio audience. We don't care, we're still going do a show. I had to come in. I've used up all my sick days.

Economic losses could reach $20 billion. And most of that is in paper towels.

I feel like Clint Eastwood — an old guy talking to empty chairs.

New Jersey took a pounding. Governor Chris Christie was actually knocked over.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.

Governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it.

Although the sign language woman doesn't speak a word, she has a lot more personality than Mayor Bloomberg does.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I don’t know if you guys caught the show last night, but because of Hurricane Sandy, we had to do the show to a bunch of empty seats — or as Clint Eastwood calls that, “a full house.”

We’re still dealing with Hurricane Sandy here in New York. A lot of people on the East Coast don’t have access to Facebook or Twitter. Everybody was like, "How am I supposed to complain about not having Facebook or Twitter if I don't have Facebook or Twitter?"

That’s right, people had no email, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Or as AOL users put it, “Welcome to the party.”

A new report found that an American is arrested for marijuana possession every 42 seconds. And that American’s name is Snoop Dogg.

 
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