JokesPageHeader
     
Monday Oct 29 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Folks back east are feeling the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy — 100-mile-an-hour winds, lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it.

The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade.

I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout.

They keep saying the candidates are out making stump speeches. You know why it's called a stump speech? Because after a candidate is done with his speech, you're completely stumped as to what he said.

Conan

The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home.

Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over hurricane sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area.

President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics.

A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers.

Late Show with David Letterman

We're in the middle of Hurricane Sandy. So thank you very much for joining us here in the Ed Sullivan Shelter.

I got up this morning, turned on the radio, and listened for the talk show closings.

This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs.

It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tests conducted in Italian cities revealed that the air in some cities contains traces of psychedelic drugs. The Italians went crazy. They took to the streets, waving their hands in the air. Then they heard about the psychedelic drug.

Doctors say it's the best time to get the flu shot. This year there is the seal flu. It comes from seals to humans. If you're inflected with the seal flu, you get the chills and an uncontrollable desire to balance balls on your nose.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said that Americans should take warnings about Hurricane Sandy seriously. So step one: Give it a name other than Sandy. I mean, come on.

They’re saying the weekend movie box office took a major hit because of preparation for Sandy. And also because no one knows what a "Cloud Atlas" is.

The organizers of the New York City Marathon are saying that this Sunday’s race will definitely not be affected by the hurricane. Or, won by an American.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 
Around the Web
Top Stories

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved