Friday Oct 05 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Twitter said today that Wednesday night's debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?

This is Columbus Day weekend. As you know, Columbus came here looking for the easiest way to obtain cheap Asian goods. So he came to the right place. He just came too early, that's all. Now we just go to Walmart.

A farmer in Oregon was eaten by his pigs. The pigs ate the farmer. But in the overall race, humans are still way ahead.

Happy birthday to actor Roger Moore, who played 007. Roger Moore is 85 years old. In fact, his new catchphrase is, "Bond, Gold Bond, Medicated Powder."

Late Show with David Letterman

It's autumn. It's the time of year when that thing on Donald Trump's head goes into hibernation.

Pundits have had a few days to take a look at the debate. They're saying that President Obama walked on stage without a plan and was listless and disengaged. And when I heard that I thought, "Well, that’s worked OK for me."

Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.

Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The movie "Taken 2" opens today. In the first one, the bad guys kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, and in this new movie they kidnap his ex-wife. I'm not sure that's really upping the ante.

How far down the family tree are they willing to go? In the fifth movie, they'll be kidnapping his second cousin.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was originally going to star in "Taken" but he kept screwing up the lines. When the bad guy said, "We've got your kid," he said, "The one from my wife or the one from the maid?"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, "Well, what about just for fun?"

In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, "Any way they can play him in a debate?"

The Olive Garden is getting rid of its famous catchphrase, "When you're here, you're family." They're going to start using a more appropriate catchphrase: "When you're here, the wait was too long at The Cheesecake Factory."

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