JokesPageHeader
     
Wednesday Oct 03 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing — just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney — almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now.

There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud.

Unlike those Republican primary debates, there was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience tonight in Denver, which was fairly easy to control. They filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans.

Conan

It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney.

Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.

President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory.

Births in the United States have fallen for the fourth year in a row. Experts blame this on the poor economy and fear of another Honey Boo Boo.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight is the first presidential debate of 2012. Tonight was also one of the only nights of the year when you might actually hear someone say, "Honey, turn on C-SPAN."

Tonight also happens to be Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. "Honey, I'd love to go to the ballet with you, but I'm debating Mitt Romney that night."

The city council here in L.A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. It's great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders.

Overturning the ban is also great news for the makers of Chex Party Mix.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time.

While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, "Burrito?" And Romney was like, "Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you."

A new study found that nice people are more likely to live longer than people with bad attitudes. Or as people with bad attitudes put it, "Whatever."

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 
Around the Web
Top Stories

Newsmax, Moneynews, Newsmax Health, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, and Newsmax World are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved