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Tuesday Oct 02 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Are you going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?

I understand they are going to have "fact checkers" standing by — just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.

At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, “The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.” Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.

Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.

Conan

In Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent.

For tomorrow's debate, President Obama's advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are "bin Laden" and "dead." That's it.

Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, "If there are any angels in heaven, they're all nurses." Then Biden said, "Of course, maybe they wouldn't be in heaven if they'd had better nurses."

Oprah is now 50th on Fortune's list of most powerful women in business. In a related story, Oprah just released "O" magazine's list of 49 women to destroy.

Late Show with David Letterman

I was talking to my friend at the weather department and he said that in autumn you have weather that's not really cold and certainly not really hot, so pollsters refer to autumn as "undecided."

Are you familiar with the McArthur Foundation? They give out the McArthur genius award every year. Guess who got the genius award this year? The genius who told Clint Eastwood to go out there with an empty chair.

The debates begin tomorrow night and we'll see Mitt and Ann Romney. Of course, you remember them as the stars of TV's "Dynasty."

I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Michelle Obama won Family Circle's bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn't she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She's contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.

Ann Romney's entry into the bake-off was something called "M&M Treats." Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I'm like, "Oh, no, that's her husband."

There seems to still be sexism in politics. You still see candidates objectified. I'm talking about you, Paul Ryan — with your great abs and suspiciously good marathon times.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A gym teacher in Queens, New York, is suing the Department of Education, saying he was assaulted by a student, a first-grader named Rodrigo. The teacher is a former college football player. He claims the boy gave him a fractured ankle and injured knee. I think if I was beat up by a 6-year-old I would keep it quiet.

Family Circle announced that Michelle Obama beat Ann Romney in their cookie contest. They each submitted a recipe and the readers voted. They have been sponsoring the contest for decades. It's a time-honored tradition of taking successful, accomplished women and forcing them to get in the kitchen and bake for us.

Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn't decided who she's voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on "Jersey Shore," not both.

You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The first debate is tomorrow night and I heard that the Obama campaign is a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the president watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed.

A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for "Dancing With the Stars."

Health experts predict that the world will have more than a billion elderly people in the next 10 years. Or as it's also known, the opening credits for "60 Minutes."

Amtrak announced that it will be performing drug tests on 50 percent of its employees. So, if you plan on riding Amtrak, don't worry. There's only a 50 percent chance your conductor is totally stoned.

 
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