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Thursday Sep 27 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Are you happy the NFL strike is over? Those NFL replacement refs were so bad, they thought the Green Bay Packers were a Wisconsin moving company.

The minute the replacement refs were fired, President Obama said, "See, sometimes losing a job can be a good thing."

A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy.

Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has "blown up in his face" and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?

Conan

Pig farmers are predicting a global bacon shortage. However, they say the shortage can be averted if Chris Christie converts to Islam.

TLC announced that "Honey Boo Boo" will have a Halloween special. Their neighbors are planning to give them a scare by dressing up as child protective services.

Pizza Hut has unveiled their newest pizza. It's a pizza with a crust made out of cream cheese-filled cones. They're calling it the Autopsy Lovers Pizza.

Late Show with David Letterman

How about those replacement referees? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? You know who really got burned by the phony referees? People who gamble. So guess what? The phony refs are gone.

The phony referees were actually fathers of the NFL players who would take turns each game refereeing.

So now the real referees are back. Who says the U.N. doesn't do anything?

Here's how unprofessional the phony referees were. I saw one of those refs send a drink over to a cheerleader.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Our long national nightmare is over. The NFL refs are back. So it's official. We've now returned to the most hated people in America once again being divorce lawyers.

Several NFL Hall of Famers have blasted the league for damaging the sport. One players said he'd never seen such a blatant injustice. That player was O.J. Simpson.

The NFL commissioner apologized to the fans for the poor performance of the replacement refs. He also said he's a bit sorry about the Cleveland Browns.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Some good news for football fans. The NFL lockout is over. The referees will go back to work. And I imagine to say there will never be a bad call again.

The new collective bargaining agreement is an eight-year deal. The refs got a better pension, more money, and what they wanted more than anything — Sundays off.

TLC, the network that airs the show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," has ordered not only a new season but also Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas specials. I can't think of a better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus. No, wait, yes I can. I can think of a lot of them.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The NFL referees have signed an eight-year contract. Turns out that one of the replacement refs works as a vice president at a Bank of America branch. So he's leaving a job where football fans hated him and going back to one where everyone hates him.

There's a man who actually went to high school with Mitt Romney and later went to law school with President Obama. When asked how going to school with two presidential candidates made him feel, he said, "Uh, bad about my job at Arby's."

TLC will air "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" Thanksgiving and Christmas specials. So now you've got to spend the holidays with two families you don't understand.

Security workers at JFK Airport are complaining that they don't have enough time to do their jobs thoroughly. Last time I flew, the TSA guy said, "Uh, just grope yourself."

 
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