Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, "Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!"
Mark Zuckerberg announced he will not sell his 440 million shares of Facebook stock for at least a year. And then, if he does sell, he'll use the money from the sale of the stock to maybe see a movie or take his wife out for a bite to eat.
The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper.
The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.
There was an earthquake last night in Beverly Hills. The second one in a week. We didn't even have time to pick up all the broken pieces of Cher from the last one.
As people in Beverly Hills were running out of their homes, everyone was yelling the same thing. Oscar and Emmy winners out first.
There was a big shakeup on "American Idol." There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.
This week was the 40th anniversary of "The Price Is Right." The big anniversary special was on Tuesday and Bob says he wasn't asked to be part of it. Apparently, "The Price Is Right" said to its fans, "Come on down — but not you, Bob Barker. You stay right there."
I just read that The Situation from "Jersey Shore" is suing a nightclub in Vegas for failing to pay him 60 thousand dollars for two appearances. The case is being handled by his lawyer — The Litigation.
A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for planting marijuana on the property of a church. People could tell something was up because instead of communion wafers, the priest was just handing out Barbeque Pringles.
After confession, the priest had people do four Hail Marys and five Willie Nelsons.
TLC is coming out with a new reality show about a group of Amish people who move to New York City. It’s called “Here Comes Honey Jebediah Jebediah.”