Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do.
Hurricane Isaac is officially a Category 1 hurricane. It was so windy that gas stations needed three guys working outside — two to hold the ladder while the other guy climbed up to raise the prices.
President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job.
President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration — great buzz, weak finish.
A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak.
Today the Mars rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. So there you have it, folks. Mars really is uninhabitable.
There's a new website that allows you to support Prince Harry by posting a naked photo of yourself. The website's called "Extremely Gullible Girls Gone Wild."
Cinnabon is going to create the new Cinnabon pizza. They're also working on the new Type 3 diabetes.
Are you keeping your eye on Hurricane Isaac and the Republican convention? Something good could come out of this hurricane. It may once and for all put an end to political conventions.
Mitt Romney, does he look familiar to you? He looks like the guy who used to host "Tic-Tac-Dough."
According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity.
Lindsay Lohan has been in and out of the slammer more times than you would care to count. Now she is a person of interest in a jewel heist. She's already picking out her inappropriate outfit for her next court date.
An all-female rock band from Russia, in a Moscow cathedral, played a protest song about Vladimir Putin's ties to the church. Putin's henchmen tracked them down and threw them in prison. They were charged with hooliganism. Is that a crime? That's like being charged with tomfoolery. Or shenanigans.
If you don't agree with Putin, you get sent to a gulag. Maybe they should've sung it ironically, sung about the fact that Putin got elected with 140 percent of the vote.
Some Russians are claiming that Putin's election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing.
When the band's members were sentenced, there was a huge protest in Moscow. One of the protesters was Garry Kasparov, the chess champion. He got roughed up by police.
I don't know why. He's just a pawn in their game.