Monday Aug 20 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Welcome to "The Tonight Show" — or as Comcast calls us, "The Expendables." As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized "The Tonight Show." We've consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon.

And more bad news. It turns out now we've been taken over by Bain Capital.

I knew something was going on. Friday morning I woke up and there was a peacock head in my bed.

Congratulations to our buddy Sylvester Stallone. His movie “The Expendables 2” was number one this past weekend. Some of you might know it by the original title: “Grumpy Old Men.”

Late Show with David Letterman

A woman was smuggling her boyfriend into the United States from Canada. The young woman smuggled the guy in a suitcase. She's a Playboy Playmate. So that got me to thinking that these Playboy Playmates may not be as smart as we think they are.

They're going to arrest the poor girl as soon as they are done patting her down.

You know who's hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping.

Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide.

Swimmer Ryan Lochte won a bunch of Olympic medals. He's trying to trademark his catchphrase "jeah." It's like "yeah" with an "j." A rapper actually came up with that in the '80s, and he asked why Lochte should try to trademark something he didn't create. This could go down as the lamest rap feud ever.

They're going to send Lochte a cease-and-desist order from saying "jeah."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen revealed that she and Tom Brady are expecting their second child. They haven’t confirmed if it’s a boy or a girl, but they're a 100 percent certain it's better than other babies.

I want to wish happy birthday to Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant, who turns 64 years old today. Which explains his new song: “Escalator to Heaven.”

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