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Tuesday Aug 14 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality.

Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns.

Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.

Late Show with David Letterman

Did you enjoy the Olympics? How about Usain Bolt, the fastest man on earth. What an athlete. The slowest man on earth? It's the guy at the crosswalk whenever I try to make a right turn.

Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan as his vice-presidential running mate. You seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks.

I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A government survey has found that for the first time, 12 states have what they described as very high obesity rates. The survey was conducted by telephone. It just as easily could have been conducted by mirror.

It's a good thing people don't lie about their weight because otherwise we might be even fatter than we thought.

Something very odd is going on in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they're planning to build a new city that will be reserved exclusively for women to work. We have a woman-only city here in America, too. It's called "The View" and it's terrifying.

Just to make sure men don't sneak in, everyone entering the Saudi Arabian city will be forced to sit through the director's cut of "Sex and the City 2."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said, "Didn't you just get a new job?"

Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate.

New research found that 25 percent of Americans don't know their own cell phone number — while the rest thought of a different excuse to get out of dating that researcher.

A man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compacter. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is tequila.

 
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