Monday Jul 30 2012


Like the Olympics, this show was taped 15 hours ago at a pool.

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A couple of big birthdays today — comedian Tom Green and former government of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now Tom Green and Arnold Schwarzenegger are very different. One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics and the other one's Tom Green.

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name "Speedo." It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

When I'm watching the TV, I like to feel like I'm part of the action. So I always watch the Olympic swimming from my bathtub.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We had a little bit of rain today in Los Angeles. By a little bit, we got one drop of rain.

They were saying we might get hit by remnants of tropical depression Fabio. That sounds like the saddest romance novel cover ever.

I like that they named a storm "Fabio." You shouldn't even name your kid "Fabio."

"Fabio" should not be allowed for tropical storms for the same reason the DMV rejects certain names for license plates.

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