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Thursday Jul 19 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists it has something to do with breast implants — not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. But the good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery.

Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good. But it does show that if you're unsuccessful in this country, you didn't do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, President Obama.

Conan

A group of Burger King employees have been fired for taking a photo of themselves with their feet in the restaurant's lettuce. A spokesman for Burger King says, “Great, there goes our secret recipe.”

The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail.

Late Show with David Letterman

According to The New York Times, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez were fired, gone. Charlie Sheen said he would like to be part of the show. He just wants to hang around to see if Paula Abdul left anything in her medicine cabinet.

How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of “Glee.” They look like the entire navy of Monaco.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for Oprah Winfrey. Her book club is coming back. Finally, I will have something to read that isn't about bondage and spanking. I'm not talking about "Fifty Shades of Grey." I'm talking about my diary.

Oprah used to be the most powerful force on TV. It seems that's changed a little bit. But she's still teaching us some very important lessons, like never move to cable.

There's a much tighter budget on Oprah’s show. Last week her studio audience looked under their seats and just found gum. And Tom Cruise was jumping up and down on a fold-out chair.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now it turns out.

Over the past five years, the value of the Canadian household has risen above the American household. I think most of that came from Justin Bieber and he belongs to us now.

At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent.

This week, officials in Connecticut found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. That's also known as the weirdest "Real World" ever.

They found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. It was really confusing because only the goats were on the lease.

For the second year in a row, New York City students have improved their reading scores. Unfortunately, now they can read how low their math scores are.

 
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