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Monday Jul 16 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

Critics are saying these Chinese uniforms are un-American. Have you looked around America lately? Cheap crap made in China. That's what we're wearing. Does it get any more American than that?

The big news in Washington now is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He's completely disappeared. People think he's either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.

Conan

On Friday Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. They talked about politics, foreign policy, and what it's like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions.

According to a new report, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. This is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so hot today in New York City that Katie Holmes was fanning herself with her money.

It was so hot over the weekend that Jason Kidd crashed a Mr. Softee truck.

Jason Kidd was drinking and he got arrested. I thought if I had just signed with the Knicks I would probably start drinking too.

Stephen Tyler and another of the "American Idol" judges, Jennifer Lopez — fired, gone, they're not coming back. Well, that's two more jobs lost under Obama.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.

Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, “You're not invited.”

Lawmakers in the Netherlands are considering a fine on meteorologists who predict the wrong weather. Or as they’re also known, “meteorologists.”

 
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