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Thursday Aug 20 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

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Conan

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Late Show with David Letterman

A study was done on U.S. currency, and they found that 90 percent of all bills have traces of cocaine on them. And I said, “No wonder Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is so crazy.”

When they got done testing money, they tested some fish in the United States. Every single fish tested contained mercury. But we’re a glass is-half-full country. The people over at Mrs. Paul’s, the fish stick people, came up with a tasty new fish stick that you can also use to take your temperature.

Preliminary results are in for the Afghanistan election — Al Franken is ahead.

Everyone is excited about the Afghanistan election . . . but there are already reports of irregularities in Broward and Dade Counties.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top ten Things Overheard Outside Afghanistan Polling Stations

10. "Can my goat vote?"
9. "Hanging Chad? That's funny. I just hanged a guy named Chad"
8. "Is this the fire-David-Letterman rally?"
7. "I'm voting for Ahmed Al-Franken"
6. "Democracy? Yes we Afghani-can"
5. "Incoming!"
4. "Why is Ralph Nader on the ballot?"
3. "Nothing says democracy like a rigged vote set up by an occupying imperialist power"
2. "Isn't it time we do something about the high price of beard delousing?"
1. "I am voting for the person who can see Turkmenistan from her cave"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

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Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

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