California is so broke that San Francisco has a cover charge and two-drink minimum to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
California is so broke that Mexico fixed the hole in the fence to keep us from crawling back in again.
California is so broke that I saw a going-out-of-business sign at a meth lab.
Russia is now planning to finally bury former Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin. His body has been on display since 1924, which breaks the old record held by Cher.
"Fifty Shades of Grey," the popular book, has caused more hysteria among middle-aged women than an Ann Taylor clearance sale.
I didn't know people still read until that book came out.
I like to carry a copy of it around and act like I'm reading it so people won't sit next to me on the bus.
The Sarasota Republican party has named Donald Trump its statesman of the year. If there's one word I'd think of to describe Trump, it's "statesman-like." And if there were four words, they would be "not at all statesman-like."
In an interview with CBS, President Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, “Yeah, fixing the economy would’ve been cool too.”
Happy Birthday to Harrison Ford, who turned 70 years old today. You can tell he’s getting up there by his new movie: “Raiders of the Bowl of Werther’s Originals.”
Yesterday, fans at Comic-Con got to see the first seven minutes of the final “Twilight” movie. There were a whole bunch of disturbing, pale characters battling each other — but they settled down once the movie came on.
A new study found that people with a lot of phobias are more likely to have health problems. Or as those people put it, “I was afraid of that.”