Thursday Jul 12 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The inside of my car was so hot today that I was steering with my knees even when I wasn't texting.

I was sweating like Mitt Romney trying to differentiate between Romneycare and Obamacare.

There are rumors on the Internet that Kris Jenner is cheating on Bruce Jenner. Imagine Bruce's face if he finds out. It'll be the same.

There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves "American Idol" they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.

Late Show with David Letterman

Good news coming out of North Korea. You know they had Kim Jong Il and he passed away so his son Kim Jong Un is now the leader. He has a new girlfriend — Kim Jong Kardashi-un.

Mitt Romney is worth $250 million, and reporters said, "Mitt, honestly, how did you get so rich?" And he said, "Well, I've always been good with my money and I do smart things. I always make sure my tires are properly inflated. And I save 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And by God, who could question Wall Street's judgment?

A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Steven Tyler announced he won't be returning to host "American Idol." I don't understand how anyone leaves that job. It's like, "OK, we'll give you $20 million to just sit at a table and say 'I just wasn't feeling it' for 12 weeks."

The 43rd Comic-con kicked off at the San Diego Convention Center this week. When I was a kid we didn't have Comic-Con. We just had Chaka Khan.

NASA discovered that Pluto has five moons. We have just one moon. We're moon-ogamous here on planet earth.

John Boehner, who is speaker of the House of Representatives, is super tan, he cries, and he drinks. He should be speaker of the "Jersey Shore" house.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote.

In a new interview, Kobe Bryant said that this year’s Olympic basketball team could beat the 1992 Dream Team. Of course they could. All the guys from the '92 Dream Team are, like, 50 years old.

Farmers in France have started giving their cows two bottles of wine every day, in order to make better beef. Unfortunately, all the cows wind up doing is texting their ex-milkers.

A chef from McDonald’s just revealed the recipe to the Big Mac’s secret sauce. Even more surprising — he also revealed the McRib’s secret meat.

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