Wednesday Jul 11 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The White House is now urging Americans not to "read too much" into last week’s jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn’t read it at all.

Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white.

At a democratic fundraiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney's economic policies were “George Bush on steroids" — as opposed to Obama's policies, which are “Jimmy Carter on Ambien.”

In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, "You can do that?"

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody watch the baseball All-Star Game last night? There's nothing more entertaining than watching the players give 50 percent.

The American League got busted up pretty bad and the National League actually got so cocky toward the end of the game they let the wives play.

The American League was defeated 8-0. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America's own league is on a losing streak.

Mitt Romney will fix the American League and make it competitive again.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Superhero Pet Peeves

Clingy sidekicks
Regular villains who claim they're "supervillains"
People always asking you to open jars
They're "tights" not "leotards"
Bitchy porpoises (Aquaman only)
People assuming you're Jewish because your name ends in "man"
Flying friends to the airport
Bat-signal going off in the middle of "Real Housewives"
ATM fees — am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The baseball All-Star Game was played in Kansas City last night. Baseball used to be our national pastime before it was replaced by the Kardashians.

Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don't know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR.

The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo.

Romney isn't very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Saints have offered quarterback Drew Brees a five-year, $100 million contract. That's even better than Katie Holmes' deal.

A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles on the nightstands. And then they'll be bringing in more Bibles to replace all those stolen Kindles.

The U.S. Army says it's developing a new body armor for female soldiers inspired by "Xena: Warrior Princess." In related news, everyone at Comic-Con just joined the Army.

It's rumored that Apple is getting ready to release a smaller, cheaper iPad. It has a cool name too. It's called the iPhone.

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