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Monday Jul 09 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I am exhausted. I spent all weekend helping Tom Cruise move all his stuff.

Katie holmes has divorced Tom Cruise. I didn't think Rock of Ages was THAT bad.

The divorce was finalized today, just 11 days after it was filed. That Legal Zoom is amazing, and for just $25.

Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's so hot that Katie Holmes demanded custody of the air conditioner.

Mitt Romney is now promising conservatives that if he is elected, he will put Anderson Cooper back in the closet.

Congratulations to Courtney Kardashian, who has a brand-new baby girl. I was worried that there was going to be a shortage of Kardashians.

You know whose birthday it is today? O.J. Simpson. O.J. celebrated his birthday with some friends in prison, and they had a nice little party for him. Out of habit, after he cut the cake he hid the knife.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Fun Facts About the All-Star Game (delivered by Major League all-stars)

10
This year, they've added an extra base (Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander)
9
Catcher may be replaced by a designated squatter (Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer)
8
After the Home Run Derby, there's now a Weak Grounder to Third Derby (Chicago White Sox pitcher Chris Sale)
7
During the 1937 All-Star Game, Dizzy Dean's the first player to yell "Go sit in the truck!" (Los Angeles Angels pitcher Jered Weaver)
6
All-Star etiquette requires players to spit discreetly into a handkerchief (Tampa Bay Rays pitcher David Price)
5
The game's tomorrow and I still don't know what the All-Star Ambassador does (All-Star Ambassador George Brett)
4
Players need notes from two different doctors to get out of doing lame Top Ten List (Baltimore Orioles outfielder Adam Jones)
3
This year's game is cup-optional (Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton)
2
Earlier today, we all bonded at a matinee of "Magic Mike" (Los Angeles Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson)
1
Oh crap, the game's tomorrow?! (New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter)
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House is telling Americans not to “read too much” into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, “You had me at ‘don’t read too much.’”

Comic-Con starts this week in San Diego — and get this: it’ll actually feature a blood drive. Because that's what comic book fans need — a way to look even more pale.

After signing a new three-year contract with the Knicks, Jason Kidd could become the fifth-oldest player in NBA history. Which explains his new name: Jason Adult.

Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else’s marriage.

 
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