Friday Jun 29 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts.

The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney.

People will now have to have health insurance. The same way every driver in California has car insurance.

The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tyler Perry's "Madea's Witness Protection" opens today. He plays three parts in the movie, which is impressive and also economically very clever.

A wiseguy named Jimmy the Weasel in the witness protection program kept committing crimes so they kicked him out of the program. Who could've predicted that you couldn't trust a guy called "The Weasel."

When you join the witness protection program the government usually gives you a fake birth certificate, like they did for President Obama.

A lot of times people in the witness protection program get plastic surgery. That’s why the Mafia spent so much time looking for Sammy "The Cat Lady" Ravanno.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A United Airlines passenger has filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped superglue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier — that a passenger got superglue on her head, or that United fixes their airplanes with superglue.

This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, "Is this Hell?”

A group of protesters crashed a van into Microsoft’s headquarters in Athens. When they heard a van crashed, Microsoft was like, “We make vans?”

The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It’s true — last time I got frisked, the cop was like, “Have you lost weight?”

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